


Personal Property

by onlytheshortones



Category: Veep
Genre: M/M, fuckboys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 12:01:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3895558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlytheshortones/pseuds/onlytheshortones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonah accidentally sends Dan a dick pic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Personal Property

Dan was busy. He was fucking busy. He had about three different statements half-finished (and who the fuck put him in charge of writing these statements anyway, didn’t he have enough on his goddamn plate) and like twelve emails from Amy with subject lines like “urgent” and he had a meeting with Selina in like, twenty minutes, and he better damn well have these statements done and be up to speed on whatever Amy was on about, otherwise Selina would call him incompetent again and it wasn’t going to fucking turn him on this time. 

So Dan was really fucking busy, and when he got a Snapchat from Jonah he didn’t even move to open it. Like he needed to see that fucking potato face smiling over some goddamn bread right now. He was busy. He ignored it. 

He typed the last words in a statement of support for POTUS sending the national guard into—wherever, some southern state, who fucking cares about anything below the Mason-Dixon line anyway. Well, except, you know. DC. Obviously. His phone buzzed. No time. He forwarded the statement to Mike. His phone buzzed again and he afforded it a glance. Jonah had texted him twice. 

“Fuck off, Jonad,” he muttered, turning his attention back to his computer. He had fourteen minutes before the meeting and should really read these supposedly urgent emails. Plus, they were from Amy, and Dan had the unique gift of getting the gist of what Amy was saying without actually listening to her. Or reading, as it were. He skimmed the first one. Another meme, a new nickname, nothing new or unmanageable. His phone buzzed again. 

“Are you fucking with me, Jonah?” Dan grabbed the phone and opened his texts. 

_Fuck._  
_Please don’t open that snapchat, it was meant for someone else._  
_Seriously, Dan. Don’t open it._

Dan’s eyes and mouth popped open. He swiveled in his chair, phone held aloft, about to tell the whole office that Jonah had probably just sent him a dick pic, everyone was going to fucking love this. His phone buzzed in his hand again. He slowly brought it down from above his head, and opened the text.

_I will do literally anything you want if you don’t open that snapchat._

Now that was interesting. Dan looked down at his phone screen, then up around the bullpen again. Humiliate Jonah to everyone or find a way to use Jonah to his advantage? His eyes flicked back and forth and his head started spinning a little. This was too much power for one man to have, even a man like him. How was he supposed to choose?

“Something going on, Dan?” Sue flicked her eyes to him for about a second. He opened his mouth, then closed it. Then opened it again. What the fuck was he supposed to do right now? His eyes caught on his screen again. _literally anything you want._

“Nope, nothing going on.” He turned back to face his desk and smiled while tapping out a response.

_I’m going to hold you to that, asshole._

 

Honestly, it had been a long day, made all the worse because he’d been distracted trying to think of exactly what he could get Jonah to do that would be worth the price. He’d been mulling it over all fucking day, but he couldn’t think of anything. He had wondered if Jonah could swing him a West Wing job, but last time he had tried to use Jonah for his West Wing connections they hadn’t done the trick and he didn’t think any job Jonah could get him would be as good as his current one. Senior staff to the veep beat out junior junior staff to POTUS, if only by a little. Plus, this job was good enough to line up better options for later if he stayed a little longer. 

Dan swung his door open and went straight to the fridge for a beer. He opened it and took a swig as he walked to his bedroom to change. 

As he pulled off his suit and hung it back up, he racked his brains for something he wanted from Jonah. But he really couldn’t think of anything. Besides, if he opened the Snapchat, he could take a screenshot and use it for blackmail later, so why had he caved to Jonah’s offer in the first place? He sat down on his bed in his boxer briefs and t-shirt and looked down at his phone, at the little red “1” notification over the Snapchat icon. He hated those little red notifications. He could just open it now. It’s not like he owed Jonah anything. His finger hovered over the icon.

He stood up and tossed the phone back onto his bed. He couldn’t fucking look at a dick pic from Jonah alone. That was the lowest of low. If he was going to open this shit it was going to be at work in front of Amy and Selina and Mike and everyone else who would laugh about it with him. Although…he paused, pulling his jeans from the middle drawer of his dresser. He did want that screenshot. Would it look bad if he took a screenshot in front of everyone? He could tell them it was for blackmail purposes. But then they would all want it, and having Jonah at his beck and call and only _his_ beck and call was all too appealing. He shook his head and pulled his jeans on, then pulled out his red flannel. 

So…opening it alone it was then. He’d just have to swallow the skeezy feeling, which, to be fair, he’d gotten pretty damn good at over the past few years. His finger hovered over the icon again, and he heard a buzz from his living room. 

“What the fuck?” He threw the flannel on, slipped his phone into his pocket and came out to investigate. He didn’t usually get a whole lot of visitors at his apartment, preferring to see women at their place and friends…well, fucking nowhere. 

“Yeah?” he said into the speaker. 

“Dan can you just let me in?” came a plaintive voice.

“Jonad?” Dan smirked. “Yeah, right. You’re not coming into my apartment.”

“Dan, come on, please.” He was starting to sound desperate, and that was always fun.

“I think I’ve done you enough favors today, don’t you?” Dan said it as quietly as he could, although of course speaking into a buzzer didn’t allow that to be so quiet.

There was a silence. Dan waited, smirking, for Jonah’s answer.

“Please.” Well that was no fun. Dan considered the odds of Jonah going away. It seemed unlikely. He hit the button for the door and went back to his bedroom to retrieve his beer. He leaned against the wall sipping it waiting for Jonah to reach his third floor apartment. It took a surprisingly short time, but then, Jonah’s legs were freakishly long. There was a pounding on the door, and Dan put his beer down slowly before strolling leisurely to open it. When he did, Jonah barged into the room without so much as a ‘hello.’ Dan would have stopped him, but Jonah had a certain physical advantage, besides which Dan wasn’t exactly expecting him to ignore all rules of polite society, which, looking back, was his bad.

“Where’s your phone?” Jonah was standing in the middle of the living room, still in his suit and sweater vest, shifting on the balls of his feet. Dan raised his eyebrows. Nervous Jonah was fun. 

“None of your business, asshole.” He leaned one shoulder against the wall, because if one thing would piss off jittery Jonah it would be calm Dan, and calm Dan just loved to see Jonah pissed.

And sure enough, Jonah paced a few steps in each direction (effectively covering Dan’s entire living room because holy shit was he tall, like honestly had his genes ever been tested because no human should be that tall). 

“Dan, I just want to open that Snapchat now so that you can’t ever see it.” Jonah took a few steps closer to Dan. “I promise I’ll still do whatever you want, I just need to open it myself.”

Dan raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? I have your entire future in my hands and you’re asking me for favors?”

“My future?” Jonah asked with a forced snort. “What do you mean, my future? I look dumb in a picture, that doesn’t change my life.”

Dan laughed. “Jonah. Don’t play this game with me. We both know you sent me a dick pic, and now the question is, what are you gonna do about it?” 

Jonah breathed in sharply.

“I mean,” Dan continued. “Unless you really think finding my phone will solve the problem.”

Jonah’s eyes dropped to Dan’s pocket. Fuck. 

“Well, unless you’re really happy to see me, Dan.”

“Fuck off.”

“And your dick is rectangular.” Jonah grinned a kind of sick grin that made Dan kind of want to throw up, but also…something else? Maybe? Whatever.

“So my phone’s in my pocket, what, are you gonna come get it?” That came out sounding more like a challenge than Dan had intended, so he thanked God when Jonah sighed in supposed defeat. But still, Jonah was eyeing his pocket, and there was not a lot to make you as uncomfortable in your own skin as Bigfoot watching your cock. In fact, he was starting to feel a little squeeze around his lungs, and the only thing worse than having Jonah fucking Ryan stare at his crotch was for Jonah fucking Ryan to cause him a visible panic attack by staring at his crotch. So Dan pulled the phone out and held it tightly in his hand instead. Deep breaths in and out. Slowly.

Jonah took a step towards him.

“What, are we gonna fucking dance now?” Dan snapped. He hated that Jonah was causing him this much anxiety, but this goddamn Snapchat was his only leverage, and he needed power over Jonah. 

“Dan, seriously, can I just see the phone?” Jonah said, the note of desperation in his voice only growing.

“No. You fucked up. I said I wouldn’t open it, now let’s negotiate terms.”

Jonah raised his eyebrows. “If you’re not going to open it, then what difference does it make?”

Dan smirked. “Well, Jonad, in America we have a little something called personal property. You don’t have a right to my phone, and your opening this dick pic for yourself would only take away my freedom to make the choice whether—”

Jonah snatched the phone right from his hand.

“Give me my fucking phone.” Dan did his best to keep his voice level, but Jonah with control was not on his agenda for the evening.

“Oh, this phone?” Jonah said, holding it up over his head. Dan glared at him. Fucking Jonah pulling this fucking grade-school bullshit. Nobody had done this to him since his brother David with the last cookie in 1991. 

“I’m not gonna jump for it, Jonah.” 

“Suit yourself,” Jonah grinned like a fucking shark, then switched the phone from his right hand to his left. Dan stared up at it. He was standing no more than three feet from Jonah in the middle of his fucking living room, face to face. He wasn’t going to fucking jump. He would not give Hepatitis J the goddamn power here. He rocked back onto his heels, hoping it would relax Jonah enough to lower the phone a little. 

Weirdly enough, it was kind of thrilling playing this game. Predator, prey. He wasn’t even sure who was who anymore, but that actually added to the surge. This was the kind of thing he’d used to love—a challenge, an intrigue, a physical confrontation. It had been a long time. Adrenaline coursed through his body, and against all odds, he felt himself getting hard. Just the perfect fucking time for that. He and Jonah were facing off, and he was popping a fucking boner? He needed to divert Jonah’s attention, because that would just be a fucking nightmare to explain, if he even could. So, to hell with it, he made a jump for the phone. 

Jonah grinned again and switched hands again. Dan wanted to wipe that smirk off of his fucking face. He made another swipe for the phone, and Jonah backed up a step. And then, it was like a fucking dance, he hated that he’d made that crack before because now he was making swipes for the phone and Jonah was trading hands and stepping backwards and there was something graceful about it and there was something visceral about it, and he was getting harder and not totally sure why but not totally sure he wasn’t okay with it too. 

And then the backs of Jonah’s knees hit the couch and he collapsed onto it, and Dan kind of…fell on top of him, and made a grab for the phone and got his hand on it, but couldn’t quite pry Jonah’s hands off, and when he looked down, he was really close to Jonah’s gigantic fucking mouth, and they were both out of breath, and Dan didn’t know what he was fucking doing when he kissed him. And at first Jonah didn’t really move and then suddenly it was all mouth open lips and tongue and oh god, _teeth,_ and Dan was gripping his hands tighter over Jonah’s, and he was already kind of straddling him so why not just…oh. 

 

Jonah was asleep on the couch. Which was, you know, pretty fucking disrespectful. Dan hadn’t exactly invited him to stay. And the whole half-giant sleeping naked on your couch thing got old pretty quickly when you wanted to, you know, watch the fucking news like a normal human being. He had nudged Jonah a few times, but he seemed pretty dead to the world, and annoyed as Dan was, he was also feeling pretty smug about that. 

He was fully dressed, because he wasn’t some sloppy fucking teenager, and he’d brushed his teeth and put clothes on as soon as the whole thing was over. Sweatpants and a t-shirt, because hell, it was pretty late, and if he didn’t kick Jonah out soon, he was going to end up staying the night and Dan didn’t let people stay the night. He’d give him another ten minutes to wake up on his own and then measures were getting extreme. He found the remote and turned the TV to CNN. World War III better not have broken out in the hour he’d just spent fucking Jonah Ryan. That’d be just his goddamn luck. But it didn’t look like there was anything that would directly affect him or Selina. He breathed a sigh of relief. Jonah let out a snore. Okay, that was enough. Dan kicked him, in the ribs, hopefully hard enough, although he didn’t have any qualms about going harder.

Jonah jolted awake and looked around blearily.

“Get out.” Dan believed in cutting right to the chase.

Jonah snorted, but began gathering his clothes from the floor. His suit was going to be wrinkled, and Dan was almost sorry about that before he remembered that it was Jonah, and Jonah probably didn’t give a shit about a wrinkled suit. 

Dan heard a buzz from somewhere in the couch, and started digging for his phone. Jonah reached into the crack between the middle two cushions and handed it to Dan.

“Thanks,” he muttered. Just a few new emails, nothing he had to worry about right now. He put the phone down on the end table and watched as Jonah struggled to dress himself, smirking.

“Something to say?” Jonah asked, picking up on the gaze. Dan raised his eyebrows and shrugged. Jonah pulled his socks on and then stepped into his humongous shoes. He stood up, and hovered near Dan.

“What, are you expecting a kiss goodnight?”

Jonah shrugged, a look of disappointment on his face. Dan supposed that wasn’t a lot to expect from someone you’d just had sex with, but this was Jonah and he was Dan, and he was not fucking kissing him goodnight. 

Jonah started for the door.

“Just so you know, that wasn’t the _anything I want._ ” Dan wasn’t entirely sure why he’d clarified that—if he was trying to leave Jonah on the hook, or promising him that he hadn’t just whored himself out for Dan’s silence about a Snapchat.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna do anything else for you,” Jonah said. “In fact, why don’t you save that Snapchat for later, when you’re missing me.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fuck off, Jonah. You still owe me.”

Jonah stood, hand on the doorknob. “No, I really don’t think I do, Dan.”

“I could show that picture to anyone I wanted,” Dan reminded him. Where had this cocky fucker come from? Dan still had the power here, and Jonah needed to see that. 

“You do that,” Jonah said, smugly, like he knew something Dan didn’t. Dan opened his mouth to retort, but Jonah had already closed the door behind him. What a dickhead. Well, Dan still had the Snapchat. Jonah may think there was something there to stop him from using it, but that was classic sentimental Jonah bullshit. Dan was going to do what he had to do, and if Jonah wasn’t going to make good on his promise to do _literally anything Dan wanted,_ then Dan was going to humiliate Jonah. He grabbed his phone from the end table, and went to bed, chuckling a little on the way. Jonah had no idea what he was in for tomorrow. 

 

And yet, when Dan woke up in the morning, he didn’t have that little red notification over the Snapchat icon anymore, nothing unopened. He was scrolling through his contacts—because fucking Jonah couldn’t fucking get away with this, he must have done it while Dan was changing or something, what a fucking asshole—when he remembered waking up at 4 AM from a dream that he couldn’t quite recall now, but that definitely involved Jonah’s hands and Jonah’s mouth, and fuck if he didn’t open the Snapchat then and there. And frustrated 4 AM Dan hadn’t had the goddamn foresight to take a screenshot, which was just his fucking luck. What else had he done in the middle of the fucking night without totally remembering it?

Nothing pissed him off more than Jonah having been right. He had no leverage now, unless you counted a weakness for Dan’s blowjobs, but he didn’t, because (much as he hated to admit this) it wasn’t leverage if it was reciprocal. He couldn’t take Jonah down now without going down himself, and he almost admired Jonah for the way this had all worked out for him. But then again, it was Jonah. He hadn’t won so much as Dan had lost, and the next round would be a much fairer fight.


End file.
